Many writers have shared their thoughts with the public:

"There is something delicious about writing the first words of a story. You never quite know where they'll take you." - Beatrix Potter

"The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." - Anaïs Nin

"Sharing your writing, being enlarged by others' writing, is what makes you feel famous." - Gretchen Bernabei

"Writing is not an amusing occupation. It is a combination of ditch-digging, mountain-climbing, treadmill and childbirth." - Edna Ferber

"Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing." - Ben Franklin

"One must be drenched in words, literally soaked in them, to have the right ones to form themselves into the proper pattern at the right moment." - Hart Crane

"There are three rules for writing. Unfortunately, no one can agree what they are." - W. Somerset Maugham

Christmas Peace, Joy and Brussels Sprouts to All Men!

A scene from the TV series ‘Bottom’. Eddie Hitler has just seen the mound of Brussels sprouts that Richard Richard is going to cook for Christmas lunch:

"But I don’t like Brussels sprouts."

"No-one likes Brussels sprouts."

"Why are we having them then?"

"Because it’s Christmas!"

I love Christmas. Some say Christmas is for children and New Year is for adults, but I love the former and don’t bother much about the latter. Christmas is a cosy time with family around, presents, excited children, lots of indulgent things to eat and drink, perhaps a little time to think about the real meaning of Christmas. And Christmas dinner! Roast turkey with two kinds of stuffing and home-made sausage meat, roast potatoes, rich gravy, tasty vegetables and bloody Brussels sprouts!

It is fair to say that you can divide the world into two types of people: those who loath Brussels sprouts, and those who have no taste-buds but a perverse sense of humour. Alas, I grew up with people in the second group, and every Christmas day I had to eat a couple of the revolting things before I could get on with enjoying myself. Nowadays Brussels sprouts never appear on my plate – what is the point of growing up and still having to eat Brussels sprouts?

At this point it is worth taking a look at the history of Brussels sprouts. They were first used by the Romans (not by their present name) and formed an essential part of any banquet, but not in the way that you might expect. The Romans ate some pretty revolting things, but even they had to draw the line somewhere.

As you may remember, the Romans were great ones for gorging themselves at banquets. By the end of fourteen courses they were absolutely full. Trouble was there were another eighteen courses to go! The solution was to take an emetic, have good vomit and start again. The finest emetic known to the ancient world was the Brussels sprout! The sight of it was usually enough to empty a full stomach. Failing this, a sniff of a cooked one was almost sure to work, but if all else failed, a touch on the tongue guaranteed success!

The first person to actually swallow a Brussels sprout was Ludicrous (such irony). Ludicrous was the emperor’s favourite jester and wanted a really spectacular jest for the Ides of March. He visited a surgeon and had both his taste buds and olfactory nerves severed. Then at the height of the banquet, just as the emetics were being brought round, Ludicrous seized one, put it in his mouth, chewed it and swallowed it WITHOUT BEING SICK. Needless to say, most of the onlookers were sick. The emperor was so taken with this display that he immediately made Ludicrous Governor of Belgium (made the connection about the present name for them?). This was partly reward for an unbelievable jest, but mainly to ensure that he never had to witness a repeat performance.

This should have been the end of it, but present at the court that day were some rising men who aspired to take the place of the diners on the couches. They realised that if they could discomfort the senior courtiers, then they could affect a palace revolution. Severing nerves seemed a bit severe, so instead they undertook months of meditation and hypnosis. At the end of this time they could swallow a Brussels sprout with little discomfort and by doing this repeatedly at banquets they could give their opponents severe indigestion and interrupt their breeding (they found it difficult to procreate with thoughts of people wantingly eating Brussels sprouts stuck in their minds).

So, the revolution was accomplished, and the Brussels sprout eaters took power in Rome – eventually leading to its destruction. But until the fall of Rome, the Brussels eaters wanted to ensure that their descendants retained power. Therefore, they forced their children into a regime of eating Brussels sprouts (a policy maintained by parents to the present day) and undergoing the hypnosis and meditation. With the working of Lamarckian evolution and the Sheldrake effect, within a few generations the hypnosis and later the meditation could be dispensed with. Many people could swallow Brussels sprouts and keep them down. And having been made to eat them as children, they forced the same punishment on their children. So today we have a large, dangerous portion of the population still eating Brussels sprouts and pretending to like them (I think on the basis that ‘anything that tastes that awful must be good for me’).

A couple of personal reminiscences on Brussels sprouts and related junk food.

As a child, I discovered that if the chewing stage was avoided, the nausea of Brussels sprouts could be reduced. I tried cutting sprouts into just swallowable-size pieces and going straight from fork to throat. This helped, but even the cutting process released too much of the essence-of-skunk mixed with odour-of-week-dead-rat experience. So, one day I tried swallowing a Brussels sprout whole. I did not quite choke, but nor did I repeat the attempt and do not recommend it to others.

Accidentally dropping on the floor, hiding on ledges under the table, tucking into pockets (only for the really desperate) all work for a short while, but mothers soon catch on.

When I became a parent, it was necessary for me to force my children to eat revolting vegetables (I never sank so low as forcing Brussels sprouts on them) and I needed to develop a strategy. One evening my second son looked at his broccoli and made the predictable whine "I don’t like it". It was tempting to follow tradition and to lie "Try it, it is nice" even though there is no recorded case of this working. Instead I leaned across and said, "I am older than you, I don’t like it either, but I have to eat mine, so you have no chance". I don’t think he actually ate the broccoli, but at least he stopped complaining about it for the rest of the meal.

My other story relates to taking my eldest son and his girlfriend (now his wife and the mother of my twin grandchildren) out for dinner at a pub near our country home. All of us ordered roast meals, which arrived with a Brussels sprout on each plate, which none of us intended to eat. Michelle looked the other way and I slipped my sprout on her plate. She turned back and saw the sprout increase. She had only met me a few times before and still thought that I was a nice person, so she came to the obvious conclusion and turned to my son and cried "TIM!!!!" to the amusement of all, except Tim who snorted a piece of carrot the wrong way into his nostril!

Enough.

I do hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas and a great Christmas lunch – with NO BRUSSELS SPROUTS.