Many writers have shared their thoughts with the public:

"There is something delicious about writing the first words of a story. You never quite know where they'll take you." - Beatrix Potter

"The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." - Ana s Nin

"Sharing your writing, being enlarged by others' writing, is what makes you feel famous." - Gretchen Bernabei

"Writing is not an amusing occupation. It is a combination of ditch-digging, mountain-climbing, treadmill and childbirth." - Edna Ferber

"Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing." - Ben Franklin

"One must be drenched in words, literally soaked in them, to have the right ones to form themselves into the proper pattern at the right moment." - Hart Crane

"There are three rules for writing. Unfortunately, no one can agree what they are." - W. Somerset Maugham

Red and Green Tape

Mrs Claus answered a knock at the door to find a tall, thin man standing on the porch brushing snowflakes off the shoulders of his long, black overcoat. He had a long face, droopy eyelids and straight black hair that was parted low on one side then swept over his head to cover a bald patch. He reminded her of an undertaker. He handed her a business card.

"My name is Cedric Longbottom and I'm here from the Christmas Compliance Department to conduct the annual health, safety and environment audit on Mr Claus' operations." He spoke in a monotone, his face was completely devoid of expression and even his lips refused to move when he spoke.

"Oh, you'd better come in. He's through here in the study." Mrs Claus led him in and handed the business card to Santa.

"I'm glad you came, Mr Longbottom," Santa said after reading the card. "All this compliance stuff is getting a bit beyond me so I'm hoping you can help." The man took a laptop from his briefcase, sat it on the table and began typing.

"You've received the questionnaire, I presume?" He typed as he spoke.

"Yes, yes." Santa ran his fingers through his long, snow white beard. "Can you tell me why it's necessary to have a Christmas Compliance Department and why you need to do these audits?" He sat back in his chair and laced his fingers.

Mr Longbottom looked over his glasses at Santa. "It's to ensure that everyone remains safe at Christmas and that the environment isn't harmed." He did some more typing.

"Oh." Santa scratched his head. He would have liked to ask some more questions but Mr Longbottom's abrupt manner deterred him.

"Right. We'll go through the questionnaire one section at a time." Mr Longbottom consulted his laptop. "I can see that you've obtained a working with children check and a police check. That's a start."

"Do I really need them?" Santa scratched his head.

Mr Longbottom glared at Santa over the top of his glasses. "Everyone who has any interaction with children must have them." He returned to his laptop.

"Now, the next section is vehicles. I see you have a sleigh."

A grin spread across Santa's face. "Yep, a red one. She's a beauty - the best I've ever had."

"I can see that you've obtained a roadworthiness certificate for it."

Santa's eyes lit up. "Yes, that tested the mechanic. No wheels, no blinkers, not even a steering wheel. He was scratching his head for a while." He began to laugh. "In the end, I took him for a spin and we did a few barrel rolls. That was a thrill. He could see that it handled well so he just signed the paperwork and I took him for another spin." He laughed again and his rotund stomach jiggled.

Mr Longbottom cleared his throat and Santa stopped laughing.

"Does the sleigh have a first aid kit that has been recently audited?"

"Yes, I had that done just last week." Mr Longbottom ticked a box.

"And does it have a fire extinguisher that has been compliance checked within the last six months?"

"Yes, I had that done last week as well." Another box ticked.

"Does it have seatbelts?"

"Yes. I had them fitted recently." Another tick.

"Do you have a safety helmet that complies with the international standard?" Santa rolled his eyes and pointed to a box on the floor.

"It arrived yesterday. I haven't had a chance to put it in the sleigh as yet." Tick.

Mr Longbottom looked up from the laptop. "Do you have third party insurance for the sleigh in case you injure someone or their property?"

Santa picked up a piece of paper from the desk and handed it to the man. "Compliance is an extremely expensive exercise." Mr Longbottom studied the paper, ticked a box and handed it back.

"Now Mr Claus, the next section is travel. I presume you do a lot of that?"

Santa gave a loud belly laugh. "Is the Pope a Catholic?" He saw the expressionless face of the other man and stopped. "I do thousands of kilometres in one night."

"Do you have a valid driver's licence?"

Santa chuckled and handed over his licence. "It was an interesting day getting this. The licence tester was totally out of his depth. How do you test a person's proficiency at stop signs when there aren't any? Or ability to use indicators when overtaking?" He jerked his thumb towards the ceiling. "No stop signs or traffic up there." He chuckled again. "In the end, I just took him for a spin and he signed the sheet. A fair exchange, I'd say."

Mr Longbottom handed the licence back and ticked another box. Not a muscle on his face had moved.

"Do you travel to other countries?"

Santa studied him for a moment. "Do you know who I am?"

"Yes." The man read from his laptop. "You're Mr S Claus."

Santa was speechless. Was this man for real? He cleared his throat. "Yes, I travel to every country."

"Then I presume you have an international driving licence?"

Santa rifled through the papers on his desk. "Yes, here it is."

Mr Longbottom perused it then ticked another box.

"Do you have visas for all the countries that you visit?"

Santa sighed. "I'm working on it. Some embassies are a bit slow at responding."

Mr Longbottom began typing. "So, in progress." He finished typing. "That one will have to be checked again before you begin travelling." Santa nodded. His usually cheerful demeanour was disappearing.

"Do you have travel insurance?"

Santa snorted. "No. Do you know how hard it is to get insurance for air travel that's not in an aeroplane? No insurance company would come near me."

"Hmm." More typing. "That one will require executive approval. I'll speak to my supervisor." He scrolled down the page. "Have you lodged a flight plan with CASA?"

"Who?"

The man looked up from his laptop. "CASA. The Civil Aviation Safety Authority. It is essential that a flight plan is lodged with them for any air travel."

"Why?" Santa was becoming annoyed. So much bureaucracy!

The man took a deep breath. "So that traffic controllers know where you will be and can redirect you if you will be in the flight path of other aircraft."

Santa sighed. "No, I haven't. I'll look into it." Mr Longbottom made some more notes.

"You will have to go through border security for each country that you enter."

"What?" Santa was thunderstruck. "Why?" His rosy cheeks turned bright red.

"To make sure you aren't carrying drugs or other contraband."

Santa was silent for a moment then roared with laughter. "Are you serious? I've never heard such rubbish in my life. I'll have a sleigh full of toys. There's barely room for me. At the beginning of the trip I always have to sit on the very edge of the seat because there are so many toys. There isn't room for another toy, let alone drugs or anything else."

"Nevertheless, you will have to go through border security at each country." He typed some more notes, then scrolled down the page.

"Do you have a fatigue management plan?"

"Why do I need that?"

"If your trip exceeds more than four hours from your departure time, you need to have a fatigue management plan. It will document how far you are travelling, when and where you will stop for a break and how long your break will be."

Santa's eyes lit up. "Oh, I don't need one of those. If I leave at midnight and travel east, with every new time zone it'll always be midnight. And when I reach the International Date Line I'll be a day behind so I won't ever be more than four hours past my departure time." He waved his finger at Mr Longbottom's laptop. "You can tick that one off." He smiled and folded his arms.

Mr Longbottom opened his mouth to speak, closed it and began typing. "For discussion," he read.

"Now, the next section is animals. Do you use any in the normal course of your business?"

"Of course, I use the reindeer."

Mr Longbottom began typing. "And do you have Animal Care and Ethics approval to use them?"

Santa shook his head. "Do I have what?"

"Animal Care and Ethics approval. It's required for use of any animals for scientific purposes."

Santa chuckled. "There's nothing scientific about them. They just pull the sleigh."

"So, no experiments? No feeding trials?" Santa shook his head.

"Nope, they just pull the sleigh." Mr Longbottom typed some more notes.

Mrs Claus entered with a tray of tea and gingerbread biscuits. Mr Longbottom declined but Santa picked up a mug and biscuit. At least there was something pleasant about this meeting.

"The next section is workers. Do you employ any staff here?"

"Yes, the elves."

Mr Longbottom glanced around the room. "I don't see a Work Health & Safety policy displayed anywhere. Do you have one?"

"Yes, I wrote one just recently when I saw it listed in the questionnaire. It's on the wall in the elves' workroom." Mr Longbottom ticked a box.

"Is there an incident management procedure and a return to work procedure displayed?"

"Yes, they're all on the wall in the elves' workroom." Mr Longbottom ticked some boxes.

Is there a WHS committee and an elected health and safety representative?" Santa shook his head.

"Hmm, this will have to be a corrective action." He typed some more notes. "It must be rectified within thirty days." He peered over his glasses and Santa gave a sullen nod.

"Do you organise pre-employment medical assessments for all your workers?"

Santa shook his head. "All the elves have been working for me for as long as I can remember. I haven't employed any new ones in decades."

"Hmm." Mr Longbottom typed some comments in the questionnaire.

"Do you have the correct PPE for your workers?"

"What's PPE?"

"Personal protective equipment. High visibility clothing, steel capped boots, gloves, safety glasses, hard hat."

"Oh no, they don't need any of that. It's not a dangerous environment. The only injury we've had in living memory was when Bambo hit his thumb with a hammer." Santa chuckled.

"Still, it's important that they are protected. Injuries can happen at any time. I'll make this a corrective action." He typed some notes and Santa sighed.

"Do you have a modern slavery policy?"

"A what?"

"Modern slavery policy. It's to protect workers from exploitation. Things such as withholding passports and making staff work for very little remuneration."

Santa burst out laughing. "They're happy to work. So long as Mrs Claus keeps them supplied with hot cocoa and her gingerbread biscuits, they'll work for ever."

"So you don't pay them?" Mr Longbottom stared hard at Santa.

"No. They live here and work here. Mrs Claus cooks for them and they're happy making toys. What more do they need?" He gave Mr Longbottom the most benevolent smile he could muster.

Mr Longbottom frowned and began typing. It was the first time Santa had seen any part of his face move. "You can expect a visit from the Fair Work Commission shortly. Not paying workers is a breach of the Fair Work Act." Santa started to protest, then changed his mind. It was no good arguing with this man.

"The final section is the environment." Mr Longbottom peered over his glasses. "Can you ensure that all of your products are ethically sourced?"

"What do you mean 'ethically sourced'?"

Mr Longbottom sighed. "Timber not sourced from old growth forests, clothing not sourced from sweat shops, that sort of thing."

Santa took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "I don't know where the timber comes from for the toys. The elves just snap their fingers and it appears like magic."

"Magic?"

"Yes, you know." He started to click his fingers, then thought better of it. "Never mind." Trying to describe magic to this man would be a waste of time.

"And lastly, Mr Claus, is your business carbon neutral?"

Santa frowned. "Carbon neutral? How would I make it carbon neutral?"

Mr Longbottom pushed his glasses up onto the bridge of his nose. "Some businesses install solar panels, others use wind turbines, some have battery energy storage systems."

"Oh." Santa thought hard for a moment, then a huge grin spread across his jolly face and he began to chuckle. "Oh yes, we're definitely carbon neutral."

"And what system do you use?"

"Well, we obviously can't put solar panels on the sleigh since I travel at night, and we couldn't use batteries. It's heavy enough as it is, and with all the toys there wouldn't be room to fit any so they're out of the question. But wind, now that's a different matter!"

Mr Longbottom studied Santa. "Do you have a wind turbine attached to the sleigh?"

"No, no, nothing like that." Santa chuckled. "You see, we have twenty elves who spend all their time growing and preserving cabbages. Then, two weeks before Christmas we start feeding the cabbages to the reindeer. By the time Christmas Eve rolls around they're firing, literally." He roared with laughter. "The wind they produce makes them jet propelled. That's how we manage to travel all around the world in one night." He rubbed his hands together. "So you can tick that one off your list. Yep, we're definitely carbon neutral. Ho, ho, ho!"